Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
Summary
When you "Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood" you become a good listener and also able to get your point across without offending anybody. You can do this by: understanding poor listening habits and how to give helpful feedback.
Poor Listening Habits
We all can find ourselves listening but not really listening. Here are some poor listening styles:
- Spacing Out: Most of the time this happens when we multitask (doing too many things at one time). This can happen also at any time or place.
- Pretend Listening: This is just as it sounds, you pretend to care and just nod your head and give minimal feedback.
- Selective Listening: This kind of listening means you only hear what you want to hear and do not hear the rest of what the other person is saying
- Word Listening: This listening is when we respond, but in the wrong tone or emotion that is intended for it.
- Self-centered Listening: This can happen to most of us, but this is when we try and want the conversation to revolve around us
When in a conversation with someone, avoid these listening habits. Next time you talk to someone actually listen to what they are saying.
Empathy By Listening for Content and Feelings
Empathy means you listen first, not only for content but for feelings. It means that you "diagnose before you prescribe".
You cant advise, probe, interpret, or judge. You must reflect feelings and content in your own owrds
As a listener, you should never offer thoughts until asked. Do not interrupt
You so not need to solve others' problems; you're just there to understand them
Do not be afraid of a little silence
You do not need to listen empathically if the situation isn't emotional
Give Helpful Feedback
Giving feedback can very hard to give to someone or something that the person did. Here are somethings to remember when giving criticism:
- Avoid "You" Messages: When you use "you" it seems like and attack to the person, it can come out harsh.
- Use "I" Messages: This kind of message becomes personal, it is coming from you and it is your opinion. With this you emphasize the person's feelings.
A key thing to remember when giving feedback is that other people have feelings too.
Seek first to Understand, Then to Be Understood in a College Students' Success
When a college student "seeks first to understand, then to be understood" they will get very far. On the school level it means that they are paying attention in classes, learning what they need to learn in order to get a good grade. On the social level, this means that their relationships can get better, whether that be in a study group or with a group of friends. It means that they are able to fully understand the people or the person that they are with.